


Doubt

by Polii



Series: Engagement [2]
Category: Game Grumps, Ninja Sex Party - Fandom
Genre: Engagement, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Insecurity, Long-Term Relationship(s), dan says some stuff and it turns out kinda poopy, im so sorry, this is from like 2 years ago
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-06
Updated: 2015-04-06
Packaged: 2018-03-21 13:52:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3694703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polii/pseuds/Polii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan's been a little enigmatic about his opinion on the whole marriage thing, and you can't really blame his fiancee for maintaining a very distinguished, yet subtle, uncertainty regarding his commitment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Doubt

**Author's Note:**

> This is from just a little over two years ago so I figured I might as well post it if it's just going to rot in my documents anyway. It's a little cheesy but that's pretty okay once in a while so enjoy my poopy tale about angst and insecurity.  
> This was the first DanFic I wrote ever and honestly it's a little convoluted but who gives a care, hope you can enjoy it even a bit. Hope you have a wonderful day, pal.

                “Oh come the fuck on, this is bullshit!” Danny frowned, gesturing a wild hand towards the TV before crossing his arms in his sport’s jersey and staring on. He glanced over at his fiancé for a nod of agreement, but she didn’t seem to notice, eyes fixed on the modest computer on her lap. It was rare for Dan to make such a show of aggression, but when it came to football it was no holds barred.  
                “That was one shitty call. And in New York too, who does this guy think he is?” Dan grumbled. His legs splayed out on front of him on the couch in their shared apartment, looking a little uncomfortable.  
                Amanda gave a small “Hm” in response to his whining, continuing to scroll through seemingly endless pages of fluorescent OPEN signs. It was Sunday, but there was still shit to do, and how were people supposed to know she meant business without a neon suggestion decorating the door to her comic book store.  
                Dan looked rather disgruntled for a moment at her lack of response; she knew next to nothing about the sport, but if Dan reacted to something she’d usually cash in her two cents. His expression faded into a small smile, rather amused by her intensity. She sat next to him on the sofa, legs crossed beneath her, short pink hair illuminated by the technology.  
                “The Patriots need to go away.” Dan said, knowing it would get a rise out of her. Amanda immediately looked over at him with a playful glare, closing the laptop and placing it beside her.  
                “If my dad heard you talking like that he’d throw you into a wall.” She smiled. “You’re talking to a girl from a family that treats the Patriots like royalty.”  
                She absent-mindedly played with his New York Giants jersey, lightly placing the fabric of the sleeve between her fingers. It was too big for him. Almost everything he had was; but in order to accommodate his lengthy, slender torso it tended to end up that way. It was a little cute.  
               “I know,” he teased, “I’m just being an ass.” Danny gently placed an arm around her shoulders, bringing his hand to the back of neck to pull her lips to his. “I remember all that shit your dad had in his car when he drove us back to Emily and Rebecca’s place.”  
               Amanda grimaced jokingly. “It’s not shit, Dan, it’s merchandise.”  
               Dan chuckled, moving his arm away from her to stretch it behind his back. “Same thing when it comes to the Patriots.”  
               She pushed his arm blandly and brought her laptop to sit back on top of her. “My father’s going to hear about this.” She said. Dan laughed again.  
               “Was that a Harry Potter reference?” he asked, a little unsure.  
               “I wasn’t aiming for that, but sure.” Amanda gave a half-smile and continued to surf through a particular font in different colors. “I’m a little surprised you plucked that out actually.”  
               Dan scoffed. “I’m at least a little in the know about Hotwasps.”  
               “Hogwarts.” Amanda said.  
               “What the hell are you talking about?”  
               “Never mind, just don’t bad mouth the Patriots when my dad comes to California in October.”  
               Dan looked to be on the edge of a retort before his eyes glanced at the screen, widening in a mixture of excitement and disorientation. He looked like he didn’t know what to do with himself as he stood abruptly, pushing two fists into the air, his mouth slightly ajar, startling Amanda almost to the point of tossing her computer. “YES!” he spewed absently, eyes glued to a pixelated man carrying color-coded flags. Amanda knew enough about the sport from watching it with her father when she was younger to realize the Giants had just scored a touchdown.  
                “Shit,” Amanda breathed, steadying the equipment on her lap, “We’re going to be getting a depressing phone call later, remind me it’s my disappointed father.” Dan laughed before throwing himself back onto the couch with a thump, gently placing his head on her shoulder as the game was replaced with a cereal commercial.  
                “Fucking noted.” Dan said happily, content still reminiscent in his eyes. He scanned the web page she was searching through and found his gaze fall on the Facebook tab in the upper-left corner, blinking with a new message.  
                “What about the game?” Amanda asked, taking interest in a particularly blue harbinger.  
                “Half-time,” Dan said, “Who’s that?” he gestured an index finger to the blinking tab.  
                “Oh,” Amanda gave it a glance and switched over to it, “it’s Blake, he was just wondering how sign-searching was—“  
                “Blake? You mean the dude you work with that flirts with you when I’m not there?” Danny interrupted, a playful scowl on his face.  
                Amanda chuckled. “He doesn’t flirt with me, he helps me with marketing stuff. He’s smooth, that’s what he does. Blake talks to you like that sometimes.” Amanda said, almost incredulously.  
                “Listen, his name sounds dick-ish, and all I know is that whenever I come in to say hi he puts a good couple feet between you two.” Dan said.  
                “Maybe he’s intimidated.” Amanda joked, typing up a quick response to Blake’s inquiries. Dan watched her carefully before smiling.  
                “Who wouldn’t be with these gangly limbs?” Danny asked, flexing what muscle he had.  
                “Please don’t slam Blake with that wet noodle of an arm.” Amanda said.  
                Dan laughed. “Alright,” he put an arm around her shoulders, instinctively letting his head rest on top of hers, his hair falling momentarily onto the back of her neck. His voice dropped to a whisper, “But can I slam you with my other wet noodle?”  
                Amanda gave him a ludicrous expression before playfully pulling away from him.  
               “I walked right into that one.” she admitted, sounding a bit defeated, Dan almost giggling next to her. She silently resigned from continuing her search any further, sending Blake a quick apology before shutting the laptop and laying it on the floor. She set her head on Dan’s lap, who had returned to his practical TV viewing position. “But if you call it a wet noodle doesn’t that mean it’s flaccid?”  
                Dan grunted, smiling. “Don’t be so technical.”  
                Amanda felt rather content where she was, adjusting her head into a comfortable side position across one of his legs. Dan moved a tangle of pink hair behind her right ear and breathed out into the newfound silence between them, the atmosphere a little calmer save the modest buzz of a Toyota commercial on the screen.  
                Suddenly, Dan reached around her frame to find the remote underneath one of her legs. He took it in his hands and looked at Amanda expectantly, motioning towards the TV. “Ten minutes till half time’s over, any requests?”  
                 A thoughtful look overtook Amanda’s face for a moment before she smiled up at him out of the corner of her eye. “Can I get a 10-minute blurb of Andrew Lincoln? There’s a Walking Dead marathon on AMC tonight. Re-runs.” Dan smiled, clicking in a hasty combination of numbers before slumping back, resting a hand on her right shoulder, gently stroking his thumb back and forth across her skin.  
                She glanced up at him again. “Sorry.” She said quietly.  
                “What? Why?” Dan asked, a bit confused.  
                “I know you’re not the biggest fan. I don’t think you enjoy it when I gush about Rick’s facial hair.” Amanda stated anxiously, genuinely concerned he’d have a problem.  
                “Nah, it’s fine. Gives me ideas on what to do with this mess.” He assured her, moving his left thumb over the thin film of scruff across his jawline. “Besides, we’re engaged, I’ve learned to love this more than you know.”  
                That set a smile onto her face, feeling Dan lean over to plant a kiss on her cheek, his breath hovering over the side of her face before sitting back. They remained that way for a minute or two, one of her favourite episodes on screen, a small breeze glowing through the window, and everything felt… right. Like that was exactly what was supposed to be happening. A small smile remained on her face.  
                “It sounds weird doesn’t it?” Dan said. Her expression fell, glancing at him.  
                “What does?” she asked quietly, moving her eyes back to Carl on screen, noting how his hair made him look like a pumpkin, trying to distract herself.  
               “Engaged,” Dan said, annunciating the word, dragging it out a little longer than felt comfortable, “never thought I’d be here. Getting married I mean.” he looked down at Amanda, who kept her eyes glued to the screen, unnoticeably a bit uneasy, avoiding his gaze.  
                She shrugged, attempting to seem nonchalant. “I guess.”  
               “Sorry; you alright?” Dan asked. He’d known her long enough to notice the troubled look on her face, no matter how hard she tried to avoid a confrontation.  
               Amanda nodded vaguely, eyes still on the screen but obviously not paying attention to the action. Dan frowned. He made a reassuring motion of running his hand gently up and down her arm.  
               He glanced at the time on the cable box and grabbed up the remote again. “Do you mind?” he asked, finger poised over the ‘last’ button.  
               Amanda gave a small shrug and a forced small smile. “Not at all, let’s experience some football.” she stated, a subtle disturbance in her pleased tone. Danny hastily flicked away from her favourite show and set the remote on the side table next to him.  
               What Dan had said bothered her. This hadn’t been the first time he’d expressed fascination with the word engaged. A time before he’d been particularly set on dissecting marriage, then another time even farther back he’d talked about how the word fiancé sounded almost foreign (no matter how much the last one might’ve been a joke, all of it still really got to her.) Before Dan had asked her out, three weeks after the flop of a party they’d attended, she’d had and overheard plenty of his conversations. And whenever the topic of relationships came up, and maybe she was in the room, or maybe she was there but not quite, Danny would sometimes make a point to talk about the, what’s the right word… ‘strangeness’ of marriage? Something like that. He wouldn’t always talk about it in good faith, let’s put it that way. Then again, these were conversations with his pals, maybe he was showing off his independence.  
               In their early days of friendship, Amanda was fairly sure she had a solid crush on him. Something about his voice and his humor and his strangely attractive jawline. But every time him, or one of the friends he’d invited to hang out with the two of them, made a statement, and he followed it up with “and that’s why I’m never getting married”, it would make Amanda a little uncomfortable. And she thought about it now.  
               When she was younger, starting around 13 or so, she’d always imagined a fairy-tale wedding. She’d had doubts around age 19 or 20, due to certain events, but eventually her desire to fall in love resurfaced, and she hated it. Mainly because the whole idea was beginning to feel a little ridiculous and childish.  
               When Dan told her he was in an unconventional band with his best friend, Amanda was thrilled. She fell in love with his music, because it made her smile and laugh and that was nice, it put her anxiety at ease. But that just made the whole ordeal even more shitty. Ideals felt hopeless. She’d been scared; and she could sense the remnant of that feeling now. She suppressed it, but since she always had to think too much, an anxious expression still managed to slither onto her face. Dan noticed, and it left him a little uneasy.  
               “Are you, um, sure you’re okay?” Dan asked again.  
               “Yes.” Amanda said, her stomach beginning to hurt.  
               “You know you can talk to me, right?” Dan continued.  
               “Mhm.” Amanda replied, closing her eyes.  
               Dan wasn’t convinced but he decided to drop it, as she obviously wasn’t in the mood to explain. He’d ask later.  
               “I love you.” He stated matter-of-factly, his expression questionable, perhaps a little concerned. Amanda nodded.  
               “I love you too.”

_____________________________________________________________________________________________  
                  “’Manda? Come on, I bet you look beautiful.” Amanda could hear Emily’s voice from the other side of the white dressing room door. The mirror was long, and engulfed her appearance in the flowing white gown.  
                  She didn’t look half bad. The dress curdled below her feet, folding in on itself, looking rather lacy but solid. A bouquet of orange orchids was laced in her fingers, a wedding veil crowning atop her head, sitting in her short cut. Everything looked okay; but something didn’t feel right. She was queasy, and her eyes looked droopy, she was even paler than usual, if that was possible. Maybe the dress was too tight. She’d have to ask Rebecca to help her fix it.  
                  The thought of perfection had her knees growing even weaker.  
                  She could understand pre-wedding jitters, but this felt like an illness, racking her body from head to toe. She glanced behind her at her phone on the bench, noticing a missed call notification still present on the screen. She shrugged; she shouldn’t have to bother with that right this minute. It was probably her dad, making sure she was okay. She wouldn’t really know what to tell him.  
                  “What’s the point, honestly, he’s not coming…” a voice from outside rang. It was Rebecca. Amanda could tell she’d been trying to whisper.  
                  Amanda suddenly took a breath, feeling her heart sink immediately. They couldn’t mean _that_.  
                  “Shut up!” Emily said, her voice sharp and hushed.  
                  She pushed open the door gently with one hand, the other maintaining a tight grasp on the bouquet. “What?” she asked, quietly, bringing the flowers to rest at her side. As soon as she was all the way out, she could see the two of her friends, bickering back and forth in muted tones. As soon as she stepped out they ceased to speak, looking briefly at her and then at each other. Emily smiled weakly.  
                 “Oh, it’s awesome, it looks like it fits just right.” Emily gushed out. Amanda thought about letting her know it felt tight, and that she couldn’t breathe, but decided to hold her tongue. Rebecca looked to play along for a moment, but eventually sighed into the silence of the dressing chamber, speaking rather lowly.  
                 “We might as well tell her,” Rebecca mumbled. Emily immediately looked pissed, furrowing her eyebrows.  
                 “Stop, shut your mouth.”  
                 “What is it? Is something wrong?” Amanda asked softly, her voice feeling like it had begun to fade. She didn’t feel good.  
                 Emily sighed. “’Manda, c’mon, you should sit down.” Emily attempted to gently take her arm, but Amanda pulled back, bouquet still clutched tightly, desperately, in her hand.  
                 “I’m okay, I’m not tired.” Amanda said fervently. “What, are one of the guests being held up?” she asked hopelessly, already slowly becoming aware of what was happening. “It’s my dad isn’t it? He’s always late.”  
                 This seemed to make their expressions of remorse deepen. Amanda frowned, feeling miniscule droplets of water threaten to fall from her eyes. “Just tell me,” Amanda said, a weak, faltering smile on her face, “Please.” Her breathing was growing shallow.  
                  Her two friends glanced at each other for a moment. Rebecca nodded towards Emily, a gentle expression overtaking her eyes. She took a couple steps towards Amanda, placing a hand on the upper stems of the vibrant bouquet, taking it from her and setting it on a glass side table next to them. Amanda unclasped her hand immediately as she did so. Emily looked at the girl in her wedding dress, crossing her arms, a soft frown upheld on her face. Rebecca placed a hand on Amanda’s forearm, gingerly guiding her towards a small chair, draped in white fabric, sporting a complicated rosary pattern.  
                  The chair itself looked soft, but as soon as Amanda was sat in it she could only feel jagged rocks beneath her.  
                  Rebecca looked back at Emily, who only tightened her squeeze around herself as she watched Amanda’s features, noticing the girl’s still sadly and faintly cheerful countenance. Rebecca crouched to her level. “Amanda, sweetie…” Amanda noticed Rebecca glance at Emily again, an expression on her face reminiscent of what one would have whilst defusing a bomb. “Dan… Dan isn’t coming today,” she continued.  
                  Amanda’s pale face was suddenly the shade of paper; the change didn’t go unnoticed. Emily took another step or two towards them, concern imminent in her features.  
                  “Amanda?” Emily said quietly, “Are you okay? It’ll be ok—“  
                  “ _Why_?” Amanda sighed out breathlessly, almost deeper than a whisper, a tear dampening a straight line down her cheek. It had taken her a moment to digest what was happening, what she was hearing. Something in the pit of her stomach began to pulse.  
                    Emily immediately sprang into action, moving to Amanda’s purse near the changing room door and fishing out her inhaler, along with a bottle of water. As soon as she moved to help, Amanda feebly shooed her away, crumpling her dress in her hands. Amanda’s two friends waited patiently before she spoke again.  
                  “Why…?” she managed to choke out, eyes becoming redder by the second, but tears slowly beginning to cease. “Why isn’t Danny coming?” she repeated tacitly.  
                  “He…” Rebecca looked down, trying to form amiable sentences in her head before they were spoken, “Dan said he couldn’t handle it.” Amanda’s resilience quickly began to chip away, one small flake at a time, if there was any left at all. “He called while you were getting into your dress, he said he’d been trying to reach you.” Rebecca said, “I’m so sorry, Amanda—“  
                  “I knew it,” Amanda whispered, a crack in her tone, “I fucking _knew_.” she wheezed. Rebecca and Emily seemed a little startled when Amanda slowly stood up, grasping the wedding veil on top of her head and slipping it out. It pulled at strands of her hair, taking some with it, but she didn’t seem to notice.  
                  “Amanda, we didn’t want to hurt you, you’re so fragile—“ Rebecca said quietly, trying to calm her down. Amanda only continued, stepping out of her paltry heels and pulling at the seams of her dress, evidently tearing at vital hems.  
                 “Why?” she asked again, hopelessly running her fingers through her terse hair. “How could…” Amanda placed her hands over her face, seeing darkness and feeling alone, “ _I love him_.”

 

                   Amanda woke with a start, her heart beating out of her chest, damp with sweat and sore from sitting up so quickly. She was in her bed, their bed, he was turned away from her, sleeping soundly. She must have fallen asleep on Dan’s lap during the Giants game. He’d probably carried her there.  
                   She felt overwhelmingly fevered, and gently moving the blankets from on top of her didn’t seem to make much of a difference. Amanda pulled her knees into her chest and tried to slow her breathing, pushing her pink fringe out of her eyes, primarily to relieve the heat on her forehead.  
                    She buried her face in her knees and took shallow breaths, tightening her grip around her calves as she did so. “It was a dream, it was just a dream.” She repeated to herself, unaware of the stirring beside her.  
                   Dan heard her voice and sleepily glanced over his shoulder. “’Manda?” he whispered groggily, a little confused. She didn’t seem to hear. He swiftly realized her state and sat up, reaching a hand towards the bedside lamp and switching it on before rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He placed a hand on her back before shifting to get his glass of water next to a digital clock. It blinked a bright red 3:24am.  
                   “Here,” he smoothly rubbed her back and handed her the glass of water, still a little dizzy, “It was just a bad dream, you’re okay, you’re safe.” She sipped from the cup and felt a little guilty making such a show.  
                  She glanced at him and then back down to the cup. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.” She said. Dan smiled.  
                  “Don’t worry about it,” he said, shifting his body into a comfortable position, “I’m here, like always.” Amanda could almost feel a seed of self-reproach sprouting in the pit of her stomach. She gave a half-smile and took another sip.  
                 “I know.” She said.  
                 “Besides, the Giants won.” Dan gushed, as if coming to the realization for the first time.  
                 Amanda smiled. “Did my dad call?”  
                “You bet.” Dan sighed, slumping forwards, a hand planted lazily on Amanda’s knee. “You were already asleep so he’s gonna call back in the morning.” Amanda gave a quiet laugh and handed Danny the glass of water.  
                “I guess I should be sorry for that too then, huh?” Amanda asked.  
                “Not really,” Dan reasoned, “he was fine. If not just a little pissed.”  
                Amanda nodded, and a silence overtook the room. Things were starting to feel cooler, and Amanda tried to sweep herself up in the chilly breeze emanating from the open window, the sounds of urban development muffled outside.  
               “What was it about?” Dan asked smoothly, keeping his voice just above a whisper. “I mean, do you wanna talk about it?”  
                Amanda’s face fell into a soft frown. “Not really,” she stopped herself, “Well… I don’t know.”  
                Dan smiled. “Okay. What happened?”  
                Amanda glanced at him and then back at an empty wall. “It’s gonna sound dumb.” she stated softly.  
                “No it won’t, c’mon.” Dan said, pulling her towards him and into his chest. The side of her head rested against him; she could hear his heartbeat.  
                “You left me at the altar.” Amanda said bluntly. She could feel Danny tense up beneath her. Within a moment he moved her and turned his head so he could look at her.  
                “What?” he asked, as if he wasn’t hearing it right.  
                “Well, not at the altar.” Amanda said, avoiding his eyes, “We didn’t really get that far.”  
                Danny was silent; Amanda sat up from his chest and looked at him. “Like I said, it sounds dumb.” Dan’s eyes had been following her as she shifted.  
                He pinched the bridge of his nose and leaned forward, running his other hand through tangles of his own hair. “I’m such a fucking moron.” He began, sighing. “It was what I said about it being weird, right? Fuck, I didn’t mean…” Dan trailed off.  
               Amanda shrugged. “I dunno, maybe.” Amanda looked down, feeling rather vulnerable. Better now than never. “I mean… I guess I was thinking a little bit about the first week or so I knew you…”  
              Dan glanced at her, realizing what she meant. “Shit…” he breathed, moving a little closer to her. “Listen, okay, I’ll admit I had a bit of a bigger ego back then. Especially around Brian, or some of the other guys. But that was because most of them were married.” Dan began, placing a hand on top of Amanda’s. “I don’t think ‘scared’ is the right word, but I didn’t feel good when they started talking about it. It made me feel like I’d wasted every relationship I’d ever had. I was happy, fucking ecstatic, but they were happy in a different way and, I don’t know, it felt humble. So I’d always try to make it a pissing match, needlessly justify my choices.” Dan sighed, bringing one knee up to rest his elbow on. “All that bullshit only intensified when I really started to _know_ you.”  
             Amanda waited for him to continue. It felt like he wasn’t done. A minute or so passed, and just as Amanda was about to say something, Dan spoke up again.  
“It intensified because I thought I’d met someone I fucking actually wanted to spend the rest of my life with.” Dan said, noticing Amanda’s expression sink into one of surprise, or perhaps relief. “It was a little racking so I tried to get myself out of that mind-set, convince myself it was a ‘love at first sight but not really’ phase. I looked back on some of the other shit that went down in previous relationships I’d had; and it worked for a while.” Dan continued, capturing Amanda’s full attention. “But… only when you weren’t there. Because as soon as you’d get all excited about that new fuckin’ issue of so-and-so, or make a dick joke, or talk about how weird the weather was being, I’d get right back there again, and it would take years off my life just to get myself back out.  
            “So, eventually, I just kinda… let it happen, y’know? I worked up the testosterone to ask you out and it happened, and now we’re here and I just… Fuck.” Dan smiled, placing the ball of his palm against one of his eyes, thinking he sounded almost pathetic. “I don’t really wanna be anywhere else right now.”  
           Amanda could feel herself on the verge of crying. She’d never expected something like that to come from Dan’s mouth… ever. But it made her so warm, and her stomach was tight and she felt like they were on the balcony at that, in hindsight, considerably lousy party. And she’d been slowly sipping some kind of blueberry spirit, which she hated, while talking to Dan for the first time, but didn’t realize she hated it in the moment, because Dan made his best guess as to what her alcoholic preferences might be, and Amanda was content with that, and to this day Dan still didn’t know she hated blueberry spirits. She was making herself queasy.  
           Amanda stayed silent for a moment, smiling shakily. Dan looked anxious. “Shit, that was really lame, huh?”  
           Amanda laughed, shifting so that she could return to laying her head back down on Danny’s chest.  
          “Nah,” she smiled, “I ate that shit up; and am still continuing to process and eat that shit up.”  
          Danny snaked his arms around her torso, planting a soft kiss on top of her head. “Thank God, that would’ve been pretty fucking embarrassing otherwise.”  
          “I don’t think so. I love you a fuckload.” Amanda said playfully, mocking Dan’s marriage proposal from a couple months back.  
          “My love for you spans several fuckloads.” He responded, stretching an arm to his right, switching off the bedside lamp.

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry


End file.
